Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
