Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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