My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I FOUND THE LEGS
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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