Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
