the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You left your phone here
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