Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
