Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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