Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
