I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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