Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
