we have pet lesbian snakes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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