we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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