my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
