i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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