Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
