Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
