I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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