I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
