I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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