We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
