note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
