DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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