I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
