remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
