Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
