were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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