How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
