What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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