Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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