This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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