It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
