It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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