he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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