Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
