3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
NoShamevember. You game?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
