I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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