on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
