I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
