Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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