True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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