matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
