bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
