Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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