Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
