Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
