So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
