Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
