The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
