Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
