Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
