when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
