can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
