When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
