I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
